13 May 2019

Canberra too big for its boots, say Sydney and Melbourne

| Alex Tricolas

Canberra has had some pretty good press lately. The New York Times, Gourmet Traveller, the Guardian and a number of other high profile publications have come out and said “Hey, Canberra is pretty cool!” Not everybody is happy though. Our Melbourne and Sydney cousins are downright furious that we are stealing a tiny bit of their thunder.

So much so, that they are organising a campaign to put the little capital back in its place. Ironically, the very reason Canberra even exists is due to the fact that neither city could agree who was better, but it has taken until now to actually unite them in any meaningful way. The jibes usually reserved for each other are now being directed at the capital.

“We are worried that all this attention will make people realise that Canberra is actually Australia’s capital,” says Sydney’s Lord Mayor Clover Moore. “If this keeps up, then the beautiful city of Sydney will not be able to lie to the world about being the capital any more. That could very well spell disaster for our tourism, and our property prices.”

Property developer Harry Triguboff agrees. “The Chinese love the idea of living in Australia’s capital city. If they realise it isn’t Sydney, I don’t know how I’ll sell another apartment ever again.” And Murdoch Press bully girl Miranda Devine is even more pointed in her assessment. “I’ve made a living out of bashing Canberra. If people actually start liking the place, I may be out of a job.”

As for Melbourne, Canberra’s recent Sister-City announcement with Portland Oregon has really got under their skin. “Who do they think they are, with all their food trucks and artisan coffee and bike paths?” says Melbourne Mayor Robert Doyle, who concedes having failed in an attempt to convince the producers of Portlandia to do a new show in Melbourne, called Batmania. But the recent night-markets at Enlighten and graffiti event in Tocumwal Lane were possibly the last straw. “Hey, we invented graffiti! And laneways! And markets! And noodles! Damn you Canberra!”

ACT Chief Minister Andrew Barr was unavailable for comment today. Apparently he was too busy getting ink, drinking a single origin coffee and growing his beard.

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Funny bastard, love it.

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