9 May 2019

Ask Walter

| Guest Contributor

Dear Walter,
My best friend and his wife think it’s a really good idea to get divorced if gay marriage is passed as a protest against the desanctifying of marriage. I’m very distressed by his views as I had no idea he was so closed-minded and bigoted. We have been best friends since pre-school, but I am so disappointed by his attitude that I’m not sure I can be his friend anymore. What should I do?

– Brian, Downer

Dear Brian,
So your friend is a stick-up-his-arse, homophobic, latent homosexual idiot. So what? My grandmother is racist, my mother voted for Pauline Hanson, my little sister goes to Hillsong and my partner not only watches, but actually enjoys The Voice (apparently it’s all about the talent). I understand your disappointment in his choices, believe me, I’m constantly disappointed in the choices of those around me. But you need to feel sorry for your friend. He doesn’t realise what a stupid poor bastard he is, just like my grandmother doesn’t realise that it’s no longer appropriate to use terms like Wog and Darkie. God bless their poor simple souls.

-Walter B. Grievance

Dear Walter,
I’m a first year arts student at the University of Canberra but most of my friends are enrolled at the ANU. They are constantly putting down UC, comparing it unfavourably to ANU and making me feel inferior. Short of getting new friends, how can I overcome their negativity?

– Jay, Scullin

Dear Jay,
You can’t convince them because they are right. ANU is vastly superior in every way. C’mon Man, it’s ranked third in Australia! Maybe if you had studied harder you wouldn’t find yourself in this position. I know, I know… UC offered you the course you wanted to study–creating worm compost out of recycled milk cartons or some such thing, but your friends know the truth Jay and deep down so do you. You just weren’t smart enough to get into the ANU.

-Walter B. Grievance

Dear Walter,
I’ve heard rumours that the only reason the ACT Government bought back the Mr Fluffy homes from their owners–instead of paying for it’s safe removal–was so it could sell the prime real estate to overseas developers for a exorbitant prices which would enable it to fund the new proposed light rail. Is this true?

– Virginia, O’Connor

Dear Virginia,
Yes, this is true.

-Walter B. Grievance

Dear Walter,
Without giving away too much, I was instrumental in the decision to commission the construction of Skywhale. It’s been more than two years now, I still can’t manage to sleep at night and my reputation has been seriously affected. I knew in my heart that it was wrong, but my lack of artistic knowledge prevented me from speaking out and I was duped into believing that it was a work of art. How can I live with the shame?

-Ms A, Red Hill

Dear Ms A,
The only reason I am publishing this letter is to continue your public shaming. I long for the good old days when you could have been dragged through the street, locked in a pillory and flogged to within an inch of your life as the good townsfolk pelted you with rotten tomatoes. In these enlightened times, I am reduced to ridiculing you through online media but I can assure you, if this keyboard were your head, you would be receiving a mighty pounding right now. How could you foul the beautiful azure Canberra sky with that ugly monstrosity. For shame Ms A. Leave Canberra immediately.

-Walter B. Grievance

We admit we don’t know too much about the man who has volunteered to guide us through life with his delicately balanced delivery of tough love and tender understanding. We have however, managed to gain a little insight through the rather haphazard facsimile correspondence we have had. We believe, although aren’t certain, that he was born in Googong before it was a township and now opposes its suburban development. We understand that he has worked in a number of local institutions that may or may not include the NCDC, The National Library, The ANU (which he staunchly supports), The NGA (of which he is a patron), and The Academy of Science. It is rumoured Walter penned the original lyrics to the Canberra Raiders theme song Green machine, and that he always dresses in Whitlam-era safari suits when invited to dinner with close friends. He allegedly has a stable of unregistered European cars that are perpetually for sale, and we know that he only corresponds by fax. If you have a burning conundrum about an issue that plagues our magnificent city, please fill in this form and send it. We will ensure that we fax him and will await his reply.

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